Transcript: How To Speak Up in Meetings

 Hello there. I'm so happy to be back here with you. I had to take a little break because I've really been dealing with some Juniper allergies here in Santa Fe. You can probably still hear it in my voice, but hopefully it won't be too distracting. Forgive my sniffling. Today I wanna talk with you about speaking up in meetings at work.

This is a topic that comes up all the time in my coaching sessions, and it's something that I dealt with personally a lot throughout my career. So I, I wanna start by just sharing my personal experience with the challenge. Of speaking up. And then so stories in the first half. And then in the second half I will share with you strategies and practical tips.

So first of all, I'll just say I, as I've, I've shared before, that I identify. As an introvert, I have like a pretty quiet voice, but I, but I can be very talkative when I'm in with people that I feel comfortable with. And when I was growing up, I, I was very shy socially, but in the classroom I was very confident.

I was, I was very nerdy. I mean, I was always, always had my hand raised. I. Was never hesitant to speak up in school, and that was really true. Even during college, I felt pretty comfortable speaking up in the classroom. The first time I remember f encountering a big challenge with this. In in a situation that wasn't just like a social setting, was in grad school.

During my master's program, I decided to take a PhD seminar. It was on romantic poetry. It was in the English department, which was kind of like, I, I was in a religion and literature program. It was a little bit adjacent and it was also a level up from where I really was, cuz I was a master's student. But I wanted to take it because I was very interested and also to test out whether I might wanna get a PhD.

So, First of all, it meant a lot to me. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself in this class. So it felt like the stakes were high. Like this was kind of gonna be my make or break thing to tell me if I should proceed in that direction. Secondly It was new to me. I mean, the volume of reading in a PhD seminar, like I had never experienced anything like it.

Also the independence, like it wasn't, we didn't really have a normal syllabus. There was a lot of like, you should read this, and then you had to like go and find it and it was not always. Easy to find. And then another big thing that made me nervous in this seminar was that I was the only woman.

In the seminar and it was like pretty small. I don't know, maybe there were six of us and everyone else, including the professor was a white man. And then here I was, I I a mixed race. Woman. And it was just one of those situations where it stuck out to me so much. I just felt in my bones how different I was.

Like every time I heard my voice in the, in the class, it just felt so different from the voices I heard around me. I started to get just so nervous about this class. I found it really hard to speak up. I started to get, like, to really lose my confidence and to just feel like I was stupid in a way, or like I had nothing of value to contribute.

So there was like, there was a lot going on in my head that was keeping me from speaking up and then it would. I would end up with physical things resulting from what was going on in my mind. I'd be sweating. I'd be my, my throat would get tight, my chest would get tight. You know, my breath would get shorter.

I'm even like feeling a little bit as I describe it. So then it was kind of a vicious cycle that made it even harder to speak up. So fortunately that situation had a pretty happy ending. Ultimately all of the men in my class were very, very kind and conscientious. The professor and the other students.

Really made sure that I had a chance to speak in every class. They were very respectful and you know, responded with curiosity. I. About the things I said. So and they also, they gave me a lot of encouragement really. And so over time that helped me really feel accepted and a lot more comfortable by the end.

So then the next situation I can remember where I got. That nervous or even more nervous was my first real, like, corporate job. I had had a job at a nonprofit and then I had a job at a small startup. The nonprofit was small as well, and then it was once I came to a company that was about 500 and over the following couple of years, it grew to about 1500 and.

It was a pretty corporate environment. Lots of glass rooms with conference tables and like rolly chairs. And I felt very intimidated. It was a situation once again, that felt very high pressure. It felt high pressure for me. I wanted to prove myself. It also was legitimately a high pressure environment around me.

It was a very. A crucial inflection point in the trajectory of the company. So a lot of people were on edge, everybody was like stressed and really trying to move very quickly. And I felt like the stakes were high in general. And then once again, I felt different. There were in most of the time, In meetings, I would be the only person who looked like me Often I was the only woman or.

Like the only, yeah, I just always felt like the only, like, it was as if I was constantly sitting in rooms full of, of pineapples and I was like a bunch of grapes. Like it's just like, oh, that feeling over and over again. I mean, there were times where I'd have like seven meetings in a day. So multiply that by five days a week in every single one of those, feeling like the odd one out, like one of these things is not like the other.

And so, I mean, there's, there's a lot that, that is a very. Challenging and complicated position to be in. For a variety of reasons. It's different, feels different for each individual. But for me there was the pressure of like you know, I feel like I need to prove myself extra to show that I like, deserve to be here even though I'm different.

And then I also felt like I had this heavy responsibility. To kind of represent like, okay, well, you know, if I just totally fail, if I do a terrible job in this meeting or on this project, are, is it basically, are people gonna think like, well we shouldn't even have any women, or we should just, shouldn't have anybody like Lisa on this project.

You know? It just felt like so much. Weight on my shoulders. And oh, and then the other thing was a lot of what I was doing was brand new, brand new to me. I was doing it for the first time. I had become a manager for the first time. There were just a whole, just most of the activities that needed to happen in my day, most of the responsibilities were new because I had never worked at a company at that size.

And. Also because as in many technology startups, you're, the whole company is generally doing things that have never been done before, like you're trying to innovate. So there's just so much unknown. And so all of these different layers of experience kinda piled on. And I ended up, you know, with those same physical symptoms lots of sweating.

I was constantly sweating profusely at work. I, my friend and I would joke about like, Just trying to figure out what clothes I could wear that wouldn't show my sweat as much. And that, and my mouth would get dry and my throat would get tight and my chest would get tight. And, and it was like, I, I, it felt like that all day, all the time, cuz I was also constantly in meetings.

Another thing was, In a lot of those meetings, there was sort of a culture of like speaking loudly and. Quickly and a little bit of talking on top of each other. It wasn't always like super aggressive or intense, but it was definitely the, the discussions were happening at a pace that was out of my comfort zone and at a volume that was out my comfort zone.

And because people would, Overlap at least a little bit in there talking. I could never figure out how, like, how do I jump in? You know, like I, it is just, it's also, it felt like being at a, like a dance or something, like people are dancing, they're doing a group like the electric slide or like square dancing or something.

And like, or they're like all run spinning in a circle and you're just like, ugh. Like, I wanna jump in, I wanna join this dance, but like, I can't find an opening and it's going too fast. I don't know how to, how to jump in. So that was my that was my work experience and it started to become really like a make or break thing for me.

I needed to speak up. More in meetings in order to do my job and in order to progress at the company. So let's take a little break and then I'll tell you some of the strategies I learned that really helped.

 There was a talk that I went to that really helped shift my perspective, the, the way that I felt on the inside about speaking up. It was a talk by Madeline Albright. I felt so lucky to get to be, be there and hear her speak. And I think someone asked her, you know, what it was like to be a woman in her position at the time, especially like early in her career.

And she responded so candidly and she said, you know, there were times where there, most of the time everyone else in the room was a man. So I'd be in these you know, these important meetings with all these other, these heads of state. They would all be men and then they would be me. And I felt really different.

And I would think, you know, I think I'm, I'm just gonna read the room today. I'm gonna listen and just like get a sense of, of what it's. What does the vibe is like, what's going on here? And then maybe tomorrow I'll speak up. That would be her first, those would be her first thoughts. And then she would, she, it was, she said something like, like she would almost like slap herself like kind of on the inside and be like, Madeline, wait a second.

If you. Don't speak up. The entire United States of America will not be spoken for. You have to say something. You can't just like wait till tomorrow. I'm totally paraphrasing, rephrasing what she said but I thought it was just fantastic. It, it made so much sense to me. I mean, as an introvert and as.

Like, and a, a keen observer, I loved to do that too. Like, okay, I'd rather just listen and, and, and read the room and like hyper strategize about, about what I will say eventually. And I think it's a really important reminder to consider who am I representing here? If I, and if I don't speak up here, what other voices won't be spoken for or what other populations won't be spoken for, and I don't want to say that to.

Magnify the pressure that can happen if you're the only fill in the blank in the room to represent everybody in that certain demographic. That should not be the case. You should not have to do that to represent, you know, just everybody else who might look like you or have some similar characteristic or experience.

That's just, it's just totally unfair. You're an individual. You should be allowed to. Show up as an individual, just as everyone else in the room is doing. I'm thinking. You know, it's more like if you do choose that, you want to think about, okay, like for me it would be like, gosh who are all the other women at this company that I admire that should be here?

You know but even, even beyond that, it would be something like, I am here to represent our customers. Or our users, or often when we would be thinking about design decisions, it would be like, okay, I'm here to, to give voice to non-native English speakers. I'm here to give voice to the people who will be using this product in translation.

I'm here to give voice to the people who will not understand our very local or, you know, at the time, very California Bay Area colloquialisms. It was part of my job to make sure that our product would be understandable and easy to use for everyone. No matter their, no matter where they live, no matter what their culture is or their language or their various abilities.

So I think, you know, beyond connecting with a, who you're representing that may be similar to in terms of demographic characteristics it can be helpful to connect with like who, who you are. Showing up to serve. So yeah, I found that very helpful to be like, okay, this isn't just about me. This isn't just about my voice.

Making sure my voice gets heard, making sure that I speak on behalf of whoever it is that I'm here to represent. And in fact, it's really good. It's. That I'm different from the other people who are here because if I weren't here, then the people I have in mind, the populations that I'm thinking about, who also may are likely very different from the other people in the room without me there, like they, they wouldn't have any representation.

So that kind of like gave me a little more chutzpah, a little more like, okay, now I have purpose. Beyond just myself. So then in terms of like practically how to speak up in these situations, that can be really challenging. One thing that I found really helpful was to find an ally. So in a lot of cases this might be your manager, it could be a peer that's in a lot of meetings with you or just generally if, if, if you find that like there's a specific meeting where you want to be able to speak up more.

You can think about, okay, who facilitates that meeting or who's always in it with me? Or just in general who's in a lot of meetings with me. And then to ask for their help, just let 'em know. One of your professional goals is to speak up more in meetings. To contribute more and that it's just a little hard for you to jump in sometimes.

So ask them for, for help. Like, Hey, you know, will you bring me in to the conversation at some point? I know that like, Sure that could be awkward for you or them. But whenever I've tried this, I, I've generally found people are so happy to help, especially people who are more extroverted or just like more comfortable.

In those environments. It's can just be a matter of like letting them know that you could use a hand. Cuz also some people may want to do that, but they don't know if you'd be comfortable with that. Like, it's also tricky to, if, if you're facilitating and you notice that someone is very quiet in a meeting it is important to.

Check in with them to make space for them to contribute. As a facilitator, it's your responsibility to create as much equality as possible in the room and to draw out what each, the value that each person brings. However, it can also be a little nerve wracking to like, call someone out, you know, like, Hey Lisa.

Is there anything you want to add to this? I do think it's an important thing to do, but it, it's a lot easier when it comes from the person themselves saying, Hey, I actually, I have things I wanna say. I, I'd love to contribute. I, I'd love it if you like, call on me at some point. And then, you know, after having the chance to do that a number of times, it's like basically practice is what helps practice speaking in similar settings and then eventually you will get comfortable and you probably won't need someone to give you that space, you'll, you'll, you'll get more into the rhythm of the conversation and be able to take the space yourself, but it is definitely okay and, and really important I think, to ask for help if you need it.

Another thing that can be helpful is to get on the agenda in advance. If it's a meeting that has an agenda, let the organizer know. Or if it's like a shared document, add something to the agenda. Like Make sure that, that you have something to offer that you could like present to the group. So, so it's like your thing, you know, and then you share something of value and then the rest of the group can like, ask you questions about it.

And that can, that can be another way where you're not having to like jump in on all of the other conversations in motion. You get to actually start one about a topic that you are interested and informed on. Another thing along those lines is I encourage you if you are, if you're willing and able to give prepared presentations wherever possible.

I mean, these can be like a very brief, you know, like you put together a few slides on an agenda that covers lots of other things. Or it can be like, you know, you, you give a whole. Big presentation about your discipline or something? Personally with. A little practice and support like especially practicing presentations with my, in front of my peers, my manager.

I started to feel really great about giving presentations that I could prepare. Then I didn't have the stress of like, trying to figure out how to jump in and like thinking on the fly and trying to come up with the right questions and phrasing them the right way. It was like, this can be all my thing.

I get, I get to have all the space I need and I get to decide in advance how, how I want to present it. So I found out that was just like really great for building confidence, especially if you start with small groups and build up to, like even speaking at conferences It is different from that like jumping in to meetings and conversations that are in motion.

It's also different from presenting like on a panel or doing a q and a where you do have to come up with things on the fly. But I find that the more you practice prepared presentations, the easier it can get to Also jump in and, and think on the fly. Okay. Another thing I also just wanna know like that, that is still gonna be too stressful for some people and some people are just not interested in, in giving presentations or.

Doing public speaking, that is totally okay. You don't have to do that if you don't want to. You know, with all of these suggestions, just like take what's helpful to you and leave the rest Another thing that I found to be really helpful is to get to know the people in the meetings personally.

Especially if you're, if it's like you have recurring meetings with the same people or you're often seeing the same people across various meetings, that group meetings that you have set up one-on-ones with them, you know, like just, just if you can just like a personal one. Just like get to know you coffee one on one, even if it's over zoom.

Come with, with, come prepared with thoughtful questions about who they are as a person and, and you mean you can really just start with your genuine curiosity about their work, their role, what challenges they have what they like about their work how. They wanna work with you? How what, what, what should you know about them in order to work well with them?

I mean, you can come up with all, all kinds of questions, but I find that if youve, if I have had a one-on-one with every, everyone in the room and got to know them a little bit personally, It is much easier than to speak up in the meeting because it's a little bit everyone's like a little bit less scary in that way, you know, even it was just like totally random and you had a whole chat just about your dogs, you know?

Then it helps humanize everybody in the room for you so that you can feel. Just more comfortable talking with them. Sometimes I find that group meetings. Can feel like having dinner, like going to somebody else's family dinner who has like a big family. That's like very talkative, you know? And for me that's so hard.

It's like, oh my gosh, everyone, they already have their own cadence, you know? Like, I don't know where I fit in here. And so it, it helps to just get to know people and, and to try as, as you're able to kinda like, make work friends even if you feel, even if you end up with like just one work friend.

Who, like, yeah, you really, you're, you encourage each other and you kind of like have a, a, like a kindred spirit in some meetings with you. It can help bolster your confidence a little bit to be able to speak up more. You can kind cheer each other on. Okay. Another thing I wanna mention is that, You know, as you are working with this challenge of speaking up and also like forever after, you can always use the tool of sending a follow up in writing after a meeting.

So even if you've, you've trying all these tools and like you still just. Either you felt like you couldn't speak up in the meeting, you, you weren't able to jump in, or it felt too hard to think fast, as fast as the meeting was going. I, I wanna say that is, that is okay. And sometimes it's actually great to.

Give something more time to like, think it through beyond like the intense 30 minute meeting that unfolded. So I anchored you to send an email after if there's something that is on your mind, you wished you had said it, something you really wanted to contribute or something that it was clear.

Nobody else in the room knows. This thing, like you've got some information that they should know put it together in, in a concise email. Personally I found it is, it was challenging to speak up in the moment, but I really love writing and I love the space of being able to take my time and write out my thoughts.

So you can just use that to your advantage. Use the space of an email or a slack follow up or whatever, and let your writing shine and let your ideas shine in that space where you don't have to worry about jumping in or getting interrupted or whatever. And as you do that, you may find that people organically start to try to bring you in.

To the meetings, more like to check in with you before the meeting ends if you have something you wanna say. Because they'll start to realize like, Hey, this person keeps sending great stuff after the meeting. Let's get that, let's get that sooner. I want to also I am, I wanna offer the gentle encouragement to consider that if you find that a meeting is hard for you to speak up in just to consider first that it might not be personal.

It could, it really can just be a matter of like kinda You know, cultural or personal differences? Just personality, cadence of, of speaking. So I think that especially when you feel different, It's easy to start to assume, like, well, probably everyone's talking so fast here and on top of each other, cuz they don't, they don't want me to speak up.

No one's making space for me and they don't wanna hear from me anyways. There are definitely situations where that is true, so trust your gut if you feel that there is resistance to your voice. Being heard in general. But check in about what, what is coming from inside of you. And try to like, if you can step outside and just notice like the mismatch.

It doesn't have to be always be personal, like there's anything wrong with you or there's anything wrong with them. It's just like, Some people talk really fast and some people need space before they enter a conversation. So just, just something to consider. Another tip is to move your body, to use your body in some way to support you.

I mean this in a couple ways. So, First of all, when I was in a lot of these meetings, I would I would have to pull my chair up, like it was an adjustable chair in order to be at the same height as everyone else at the table. And it's like a lot of other people's feet were touching the floor and mine weren't, and mine were like dangling.

And it physically, it felt precarious. When you, your feet are not on the ground it's easy to feel ungrounded. So especially if since a lot of us are working from home right now, if you're joining meetings on Zoom check in about how your body is positioned during these meetings. And just experiment.

Are there other positions for your body that could help you feel a little bit more grounded and confident? Do you need to like stand up prop, prop your computer up on a lot of books and, and stand up stand tall or. Whatever. Also, you can do things with your body, like before and after meetings. Maybe do need to do some stretching or some like power poses.

I know that's something that there's a, a Ted talk and a book about that if you wanna, if you wanna search power poses. Yeah, but, but our bodies, our minds and our bodies are very connected. So, I mean, you could think about it like if you were a singer you, you would consider your, your body, your whole body is part of your instrument, not just like the voice in your throat, but singing like from your dia diaphragm, singing really from your toes to the top of your head.

So it might be helpful to give some thought to how you can get your whole body. Involved in supporting your voice. Another thing is like, you know, put something comforting on your body some cozy card again, or, or maybe like a, a jacket that is not cozy, but feels more I'm confident to you whate, whatever experiment with clothing because your clothing can influence how you feel, even if you're, even if it's like you're, you're speaking without video or something.

See what you can do to comfort and support your body. Another thing I'll mention that may, it might sound challenging but when I was in meetings in the same room with other people, there were a couple times where I was having trouble getting awarded and I did actually stand up and like walk around to the whiteboard in the room and start sketching something out and then start speaking about it like, Or a less, a less dramatic way to do that is to actually like, raise your hand.

I kind of miss that about school. Like it was so clear you could raise your hand and then someone will call on you. You know, if, if you, there's something you really wanna contribute sometimes you might wanna raise your hand and get the attention of whoever is facilitating. So yeah, that's all just to say, see how you can get your body involved.

Lastly I just want to mention the idea of looking for patterns in terms of the meetings or situations where you do find it challenging to speak up. A system I've used is actually color coding on my calendar. So you could like, go back, look at the week that's passed and if you have Google Calendar, you can change the colors.

Of your meetings and it's only on your end. You can change it just for you and you could do like red, yellow, green, you know, green is the meetings where I, I felt comfortable and I was able to contribute yellow, like it was a lot tougher. And read like I never, I didn't contribute. At all. And then see like is there some pattern for the, the ones that are red or yellow?

Is it like always meetings with this particular person involved? Is it always meetings about a certain project? Or, you know, as I shared with you, you know, I came up with criteria for myself, it's, it was meetings where I felt different and I looked different from everyone else. It was meetings where there were high pressure, either internally, it meant a lot to me or more broadly.

It was a high stakes situation. And then also situations where it was I was doing something that was new to me. So see what those criteria might be for you. And so then you can kind of focus in more on, on like, It can, it can help define the problem a little more clearly so that then you have a better sense of what solutions you might want to experiment with.

And yeah. Finally, I just wanna give a shout out to all my fellow quiet people out there. And just, I, I wanna encourage you that you don't have to change who you are. You don't have to become loud or become a fast talker or an interrupter or something. Just I, I hope that some of these, these experiments might prove valuable to you so that you can continue to be who you are, but also contribute all that you have to contribute.