Transcript: How To Avoid Regret

Hello dear listeners, and welcome to Let It Be Easy. I'm your host, Lisa Sanchez, certified leadership and life coach, Reiki practitioner, and recovering overachiever. Not everything in life can be easy, but this podcast is about seeing how some things don't have to be as hard as we think.

This podcast is brought to you by Cocoon. That's my practice where I offer coaching and other resources to help you trust your intuition, design a meaningful life, and create fulfilling work. You can find out more@the-cocoon.co.

Hello. Dear listeners. I am so excited to be talking with you today about the topic of “how to avoid regret.” It's something that comes up with my clients—occasionally explicitly, like “how do we make sure that I'm not going to regret this?” But often it's just sort of lurking beneath the surface. Especially when the stakes are high, or someone's about to make a big decision that they really care about.

So I think that I will probably kind of weave back and forth through a few different examples here, as I go through some steps to help prevent regret. Some of the examples I have in my head as I'm talking about this are personal, such as leaving a relationship, breaking up. Another one is quitting a job. So like this category of big endings.

Moving away. So maybe moving out of the place where you live to just a different one, or maybe making a big geographical move. I'm also thinking of big commitments like getting married or moving in with someone.

Starting a business. Or like going independent, going freelance, if you weren't before. Moving to that new place. Creating a business partnership. Or starting a startup. Starting to raise money. So things that involve some kind of commitment. Where there’s some aspect of risk, and something meaningful to you is at stake. So we'll touch on these examples as we go through these steps.

So. The first thing that's going to be helpful with avoiding, preventing, and reducing regret is identifying your “why.” Your purpose. The reason why you are doing this thing. So when we're making a big move—like these examples that I've just listed off—sometimes it can be easy to make your “why” something negative. Something backward looking and something that's about someone else.

It's going to be more helpful, though, to do the opposite. So here's what I mean. If we're talking about a romantic relationship… At first, when you think about, okay, “why am I moving on from this relationship?” If you have lots of negative feelings, it can be easy to be like:

Well, I'm leaving because this person doesn't treat me right.

I'm leaving because this person bothers me in all these particular ways.

I'm leaving because this person won't change.

This person doesn't listen.

So lots of negative things that are about the other person or like I'm leaving because of this particular thing that this person did. Now, I'm not saying that those types of reasons aren't valid reasons to leave.

But they might not help as much with regret. So later on—let's say it is actually deeply important to you to leave this relationship. You want to do it. And like, that can be really hard. Similar to quitting a job too. I mean, you know, there are important differences with these two examples.

But you know, you can become really committed and loyal to a job. It can feel so scary to leave a job. To let go of the familiar. As with letting go of the familiar in a romantic relationship. So, but then let's say you you break up, and then, well, things aren't feeling amazing for you right away.

This is common with big, complicated transitions. And especially with relationships. I've been there, where you end relationship, but then you go back some number of times like, well, but wait, Am I really sure? Ah, I made this big decision that was like very hard and painful. And then now I'm sort of undoing it. Because I started to regret it and I forgot like why.

So if the reasons were about the other person, well, you could then come to this place where… maybe a few weeks later, that person does something differently. And you're like, oh, well, but maybe now they've changed. You know, so maybe I'm gonna give this another shot.

And sometimes it's worth doing that. But if it was important to you to stick with your decision and avoid regret, it's going to be more helpful to have a reason like:

I am leaving this relationship because I am seeking freedom and pleasure in this season of my life.

Or, I am leaving this relationship because I need to improve my wellness.

Or, I am leaving this relationship in order to become more happy, more joyful.

Okay. So. These are forward-looking and positive. And they are about you or they're about “myself.”

So then I can go ahead and make the tough decision, such as breaking up. And then maybe a few weeks go by. I'm uncomfortable. It's hard. I'm sad. I have complicated feelings. Maybe you starting to reconnect with that person.

And then I can come back to this forward-looking positive purpose. That's about me. Well, am I on a path to improving my happiness? Is reconnecting with that person, part of that process?

It may become part of that process. Or that purpose may help you realize, oh no, it's not. I'm just getting like a hit of avoiding the discomfort. But it's not keeping me on that path to longer term happiness or wellness or freedom.

So really boiling it down to the essence. What is that thing you seek in the future? Sometimes it can be helpful to frame it in terms of: how do you want to feel on the other side of this? You may not feel it right away. You probably won't feel it right away, if it's a big transition.

So it's something like, “I want to feel free. I want to feel a baseline of general happiness… or wellness that is greater then where it was in that chapter with that person or that job or whatever context you were in.”

Okay, so that is identifying your “why.” Making it about you. Keeping it forward-looking and positive. What it is exactly. That you seek to get out of this change that you're making.

Okay. The next step I want to talk about is identifying your “how.”

I don't mean exactly like, when am I gonna talk to this person? Exactly what am I going to say or whatever.

What I mean is the values or principles that you will live by, that you will align to as you proceed with this decision. So that in the future—even if what you are doing is hard—you can look back and feel proud of how you behaved, how you handled yourself, how you communicated, how you went about this transition, this decision. And then, how you intend to carry forward in the next chapter.

So it may be like, okay, I deeply value honesty. And so I'm going to challenge myself to be as honest as possible with myself and the other person involved as I go about this change.

Or maybe it’s respect. Respect is the thing you value in others, the thing you want to cultivate more of in yourself.

So as I go about this, as I leave my job, I am going to practice a high level of respect toward myself and toward others.

Maybe there are things about this job that were incredibly frustrating. Maybe there are people I don't like. And yet, as I make this transition that is clear and purposeful for me, I'm going to hold everything with respect. And everyone involved, including myself.

Or maybe your value that you want to uphold is a spirit of creativity. So as I go about this big transition, I'm not going to just handle things the way I feel like they should be. Or the way other people may have done it. I'm going to free myself from the burdens of expectation and obligation. I'm going to experiment. I'm going to be creative. I'm going to try things that might surprise myself and others, with the spirit of creativity.

So this way, you've got your purpose. Why am I doing this? What is it that I am ushering in for myself in this new chapter? And you've got your “how”—what are the values or principles or characteristics that I will uphold in this transition?

Now as you go about this—whether it's, you know, one day after you've made the decision or it's years from then—and maybe that feeling of potential regret comes up. Like, did I make the right decision? This usually comes up when we experience discomfort. Or when we experience an outcome that we did not expect or did not want. Or an outcome that at least for some period of time feels worse than the situation we were in before.

So if the way that you determine whether a decision was right or wrong for you is based on the outcome—exactly what happens next you're pretty much setting yourself up for regret.

Because we can't always control the outcome. It's really common that after a big decision, there will be periods that are uncomfortable. There will be things that are surprising. We cannot know for sure exactly what the future holds.

So if, for example, you're saying to yourself, well, if I. Don't find a committed long-term partner, within the next year, then I'm going to regret having broken up with the person I'm with now.

There's then a good chance that you might end up regretting this decision you've made. Or if you're saying like, okay, if I also encounter someone who bothers me in a similar way at my next job, then I will regret leaving the last one.

Those are the types of things that kind of set you up for regret. If instead you are able to look back and say, okay, yep, I'm uncomfortable in my new chapter. Maybe I broke up with someone and now I'm lonely. Do I regret making that decision?

Well, let me go back to my purpose. I did this to increase my sense of freedom and wellbeing. Am I on that path? Okay, I'm on that path. Or, I'm not on that path. Let me get on that path. There are a whole bunch of different things I could do to get on that path that actually don't have anything to do with, should I have broken up with that person or not?

And then the, how did I do it? Did I make that decision and handle it in a way? That shows integrity?

Okay. So the third step I want to talk about is taking ownership of your choice.

Once you’ve sat down and clarified your purpose and your, "how,” you're already on the path to taking ownership.

It's really important that at the end of the day, when you make one of these big decisions where the stakes are high—also, when you make small decisions too, but especially when the stakes are higher—to make sure that you are making your own decision.

So that in the future, let's say discomfort arises, as we've talked about. You’re in danger of starting to regret what you've done. And then, you start to blame others.

Well, I actually, like I made this decision because this one person told me that it's what I should do. Or I made this decision because of, you know, this particular book or this particular teacher or this particular role model is someone that I admire. Even like, I mentor someone, you trust someone you love nudging you or pointing you in a particular direction.

Some of those inputs can be great. But it's important that you are certain you're making your own decision, so that when the discomfort comes up, you're not pointing to someone else as a path to regret. I wish I hadn't listened to that person or I wish I hadn't been so swayed by this particular teaching or role model.

At the end of the day, it's important to check in with whether you really want to be influenced by that. And you're ready to now take on this decision as fully your own choice.

Okay. The fourth step I want to talk about is capturing these things. So. Generally, what I mean is writing it down. Or, typing it up. Or writing an email to yourself. Capturing in some way, these things. Your why your how. And the fact that you truly take ownership of this decision.

You want it to be in a place that you can return return to. So actually with an email, you could like snooze it. You could schedule an email to yourself to then arrive in your inbox at a later date. Or like go ahead and send the email to yourself and then snooze it as a reminder for later. I really liked that feature of email.

You could also create it like a calendar event with these notes in it. If it's some sort of like longer-term commitment you're making, you could even make a recurring calendar event, like maybe once a quarter or once a year, whatever. You're going to see this event pop up with your notes about why you made the decision you did. And the principles you stood by as you did it. And the fact that you took ownership over it.

So, that gives you a chance to reflect and to stay accountable to your original intentions. And also to update them f they change. And hopefully it helps to remind you of your past self doing the best they could with all the information they have.

Yes. Discomfort, challenges, and surprises may come up. But your past self was really trying to do right by you. And trying to move forward with purpose. And this can help you remember why. Give you a little bit of structure, a framework.

So the last part that I want to talk with you about is making an exit plan.

When I say that, I'm actually thinking about startups and the fact that most startups have some type of exit. Most startups don't become billion dollar companies that have IPO's and last for a long time. So, uh, let's say the big decision that you are making is like, should I start my own startup. Should I raise money to create this thing that I envisioned that would need more funding than I could get on my own?

Okay. So then I would challenge you to consider… As we begin something: how might it end? I think this is important, actually, with so many things. Especially with projects that start out open-ended or ongoing.

So I really think that as you begin something, it can be so respectful and gracious and also calming to think through how you might end gracefully. Especially if it's something you're really optimistic about and you hope continues for a long time. Even and especially in those cases.

Let's figure out the endings. And this can be also a way to address some of your bigger fears about the fact that something you're excited about might end. So for example, um, you're starting a startup. Let's say you, you get the funding, you need, you, you get this startup off the ground.

As you begin. What are some potential ways you could imagine ending? So let's say for whatever unanticipated reason, the company runs out of money before it becomes profitable and is not able to secure more funding. What exactly will you do? What other companies might you approach for a potential acquisition?

Go ahead and think those through. What if you were going to have employees. What would you do to end gracefully and respectfully with them? Or if you're starting your own independent practice, let's say you needed to end your practice at some point. What might you want to be in place in order to do that—in order to close that chapter in a way that works for you and honors what you have done.

And then, of course with a marriage, for example, a prenuptial agreement is a great way to address this in a very structured and proactive way.

So basically, many businesses end in one way or another. Many relationships end too.

That's that's okay. Most things don't last forever. And so, already in the beginning, you could—if it's something that's really just a commitment that has to do with yourself—you can kind of reflect and write out some different possibilities for endings that would again, align with your principles and be respectful of your purpose. The thing that got you started in the beginning. And this can also help to remind you that, yes, even though many businesses end and many relationships end, that in itself isn't reason enough to never begin.

It's just really helpful to get clear about why. Why you are beginning. How you want to go about it. The fact that you are taking ownership of your decision to do this. Staying accountable to those things that you set out, those intentions you have. Updating them as needed. And then finally knowing from the outset what a gracious and respectful and responsible ending could look like.

So while we're here, let me just give you one more example of an exit plan. In the example where you are moving. So, in my own experience, I moved from San Francisco to Santa Fe. That was a really big decision, a really big move for me when I did that six years ago at this point. I actually moved to Santa Fe sight unseen.

And I thought through this. I thought through my purpose. I think I thought through my how. And I definitely thought about my exit plan. So I thought, okay. I'm moving to Santa Fe. I know why I'm doing this for myself. What I hope will be the outcome.

I wanted to feel well. I wanted to feel better in a whole bunch of different ways. And I also hoped to feel at home. I was really searching for that place on earth that felt like I belonged. That I was meant to be here, that it was really my home. I didn't know if Santa Fe would be it, but that was the place that I wanted to try. That was my best guess.

And I thought, okay, so what will I do if that doesn't work out? How much time will I give it? Before I decide, actually, you know what? This didn't accomplish what I wished. Or maybe it did accomplish what I wished, and now I'm like, there's something else I'm after. Something else I'm seeking to cultivate or grow in.

Okay, what will I do if I am not going to stay there forever, which is totally a possibility. You never know what might arise in the future.

So, for me, the answer to that question was: Well, then I will leave and I will go somewhere else. And like, maybe that next time I will kind of do a little bit more research and like visit the place fora longer term, stay in that place before deciding to move there.

And so I'm going to make sure that I keep reserved a certain amount of savings that would allow me to move again, you know, like, okay, let me make sure I have enough if I need it later for, you know, a moving truck andthe deposit on a new apartment. Something like that.

So that's just like another example of a quote unquote, exit plan. I hope this is helpful to you. I hope that even though some of the things we're talking about here can be kind of nerve wracking, these big decisions, I hope it actually brings some calm and grounding and structure and clarity to that decision-making process.

And also that these steps will help you to be more proactive so that after you've made the decision. Even if you're dealing with discomfort, you can look back on the decision in a positive light, or at least with clarity about why you did it, how you went about it, and the fact that you took ownership of it as your very own choice.

Before you go, a few final notes. First, if you have a topic or question you'd like me to cover, I would love to hear from you. Just send me at podcast@the-cocoon.co. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on whatever app you use to listen, and if you liked this episode, please share it with a friend.

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